Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Further Correspondence From Constantine.

John Constantine is back on the blog with more dark comedy, criticisms and commentary:

re: Hellblazer John, the F-'ing Ex-Con wrote:

"Greetings From Glasgow, Chief. Finally made it here after some considerable delays. Saw the Blackhawk bird fly overhead twice last weekend. So you finally made it across the pond to check up on Barefoot Lady Jane's new lodgings and sleeping arrangement, eh? Right. Then, you sent the barefoot women packing off to Ireland as you sauntered over back home. I understand one of your barefoot ladyfriends gave that ruder-than-noise Leprechaun his just desserts. And that's just recent tricks. You seem to have things squared away. Up until Barefoot Poison Ivy's recent visit to the swamp, that is. Woodrue's bad news. Always has been. Why you didn't humour Barefoot Ivy's request is beyond me. Now when the bollocks hit the fan, you'll have only yourself to blame. Barefoot Zatanna getting a mindwipe right? Don't count your cobblers on it. Even I couldn't get it to work. And I know her. She screws it up every time. The bloody JLA were too damn off-putting in their scope to notice. You wouldn't believe the times I tried to get Barefoot Zatanna to lay off from it all, before she jolly well goes down in searing flames like her father did in her place all those years back. But no, you take a half-arsed report from your little representative barefoot concubine that Woodrue's been properly lobotomized and polish your coat of arms like it's nothing, all goodness and relief. Just wait until it comes back to bite you. Just wait... And another thing, didn't I tell you to stay out of all these Infinite Crisis affairs our boy Alex Luthor is stirring up? That bit of advice also very well applies to the Barefoot Black Orchid, for the nonce. Don't let her run off again anytime soon, mate. Keep the barefoot flower at home. Don't let her out until the 52 weeks of peace and quiet following the fireworks are in effect. By then things won't be so quiet for you, but everywhere else is fair game for the solidarity she's looking for. The reason for your unrest while the rest of the world quiets down? There's a double-edged sword. But I'll leave that up for you and your chum Woodrue to decide. Congrats to Barefoot Tefé for getting her act together after all this time. I knew my barefoot girl had it in her, but don't let her get behind on the payments. You know how used car dealers have been these past couple of years. One step out of line, and they pop your cap. Or make you wish they had. Take that business with the Barefoot Wonder Woman on the telly for instance. Now, I'm not forgetting Barefoot Abby. Keep fanning the flames of her resolve, Chief. She's going to be your rock when things get tough. While I'm at this, I'll admit to a wee bit of a problem of my own. Did Barefoot Abby ever mention how she used to have empathy fits in her late teens, when she wasn't much older than Barefoot Tefé is now? It was due to her not wanting to take up dear old Uncle Anton on his magical training promises.
She lost herself a few times, chasing after you at dearly departed Matt Cable's side. It's also the reason she fell so hard for you. Mystery solved on that one. But what happens when unwanted empathy goes south? That's the problem I'm getting now I'm off the magic books for good. Or at least until the 10th age starts. I want it gone, Chief. Shared feelings are the pits. I'm not all hearts and flowers like Barefoot Abby. Empathy is the enemy, as my new Scottish chronicler Barefoot Denise Mina puts it. I'll find an out-- I always manage to. Management is something most people aren't good at these days, so that puts me a bit ahead. Until I figure on this and get back to you, Tally ho! and all that, John. Happy 21st Spring Rite Handfasting Anniversary to you and Barefoot Abby. Cheers, mate!"

As always, Constantine raises more questions than he answers.
But then, this method is nothing new with him...

Batman: The Dark Knight Denied.


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