Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fools Day, And The Roaming Gnome.

This Little Fellow Had Better Go Back To His Gardening...

I waited around all day for the golf game today, but no one showed up at the deserted plantation where we played our last game. When I got back to the swamp, I found a note from Barefoot Abby saying the game had been called off until next weekend. Her message did not explain why. As I was about to produce my laptop and contact Barefoot Suzy, a strange little man appeared in the bayou. He called himself the Roaming Gnome. He said, my swamp would make a great tourist attraction. I assured the unusual gentleman it would not.
He persisted that it would, and he began peddling something called "Travelocity." Determined to end this distraction quickly, I escorted the odd little man to the foreboding Prison Tree and showed him the menacing King Toad. I asked him if my swamp seemed so friendly now. He said, "Well. This certainly puts the kibosh on tourism in these parts." I could not agree more. After seeing the Gnome back to his roaming, I observed the following e-mail from Barefoot Suzy, much to my surprise:

re: Barefoot Susan Linden-Thorne-Weems II wrote:

"Alec, you will not believe what happened to me today. I was minding my own business in the Shadowpact's temporary loft this morning, when I walked into the hallway. Suddenly, several gallons of soaking wet toothpaste [that's right, I said toothpaste!] was dumped onto my head by Detective Chimp from an overhang of buckets! Gah! He laughed and started taking pictures as I dropped down to my knees. Suffice to say, I wasn't very amused by this little slimy stunt."

"I just sat there a minute, trying to figure out exactly how I was going to get all this stuff off me. What fun! But then Blue Devil walked in and saw all this. He very quietly told me there was a very good reason "Blue Devil Toothpaste" marketed in his name had been discontinued years ago. Then, not so quietly, he said he was going to separate Chimp's head from his body! The chase was on. Nightmaster was in the den reading his newspaper. Not for long. The Chimp tore clean through the paper and Blue Devil hurtled over the chair after him. Nightmaster was not pleased. The Chimp collided with the refrigerator in the kitchen and knocked himself out. This distracted the Barefoot Enchantress, who was cleaning up Chimp's banana peels with her broom. She slipped on one, hit the kitchen table, and got knocked out too. If that weren't bad enough, Devil insisted we "hit the showers" before the defective toothpaste that was dumped on me hardened. While Nightmaster looked in on the two who were knocked out in the kitchen, Devil scrubbed me down as best he could in the bathroom shower. An exhaustingly long time later, he said he was the only blue person in the bathroom. What a relief. But suddenly, we heard a noise. The toilet backed up, covering the floor with raw sewage. The sink burst its facets and did the same to the walls. The tub, worst of all, made an even worse mess of us! Devil, angry beyond imagining, slammed his fist down the drain, exploding it, before I could stop him. Now the sewage was everywhere. The toothpaste made it stick to us like glue. It was horrible. At this point, Ragman came back after a fruitless search for Barefoot Lady Nightshade. He saw Nightmaster with his shredded newspaper, Barefoot Enchantress on the kitchen floor with Detective Chimp seemingly embraced in her arms, and lastly Devil and myself. Ragman held his composure pretty well, until Devil dropped his towel. I don't blame Ragman for excusing himself from our company at that point. If there's one thing I am going to do--it is to remove April Fool's Day from the calendar, from all historical records, everything. Even mindwipe it from Chimp's memory myself, if I have to. Today was not my day. Sorry, but no golf game this weekend. Hope you understand. Love, Barefoot Suzy."

As if all of this were not enough to occupy my mind, I turned from my e-mail browsing to find the Gnome still in the swamp.

"Hello, again. Could you be a good fellow and help me out? I seem to be stuck in the mud." He said.

I should have known this was going to be one of those days...

Conner Kent: A Hero of Our Time.


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